A Year in the Life

No, I'm not talking about Gilmore Girls. And it's not the 525,600 minutes of my first year in the mission, but you're getting closer. These lyrics from the one good song in Rent just work so perfectly to commemorate today's landmark: My first year as returned missionary of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. So here are some thoughts on that.

I occasionally pull out my old mission journals--not too often--and read what I was doing a year (or two) ago "today." What a blessing perspective is! I can read of a truly frustrating moment with the knowledge that something wonderful was just around the corner. I can read about one little half-forgotten moment scrawled into a margin that was the beginning of something extraordinary. But sometimes I read about a hyped-up contact, a "fool's gold" future investigator, that disappears from both the page and my memory. All of them are treasures to me now.

My last week was just... surreal. I was determined to be happy and peaceful, resigned to the end. I put on a good face and really, made it my own. And now it's been a full year, here's what I remember most from the mission as a whole:
I remember moments of intense power: After a prayer was said and a powerful silence permeated for a moment; moments of testimony when I knew what I bore was going straight to the heart of the hearers. At times I was knocked almost breathless with the realization of the power in the room. It was a time when people listened and watched me in what I said or did. I was a true leader, and yet more humble then I've ever been before or since.
I've witnessed true healing: of hearts, faith, and body.
I've seen people grow and blossom. I've served them in their hard times and been blessed to see them stand, and serve others in their turn. I've planted seeds and seen them grow, even come to see them bare fruit. I heard his first testimony, and now he's sitting next to me, bearing fervent testimony to a stranger at the drop of a hat.
I remember the heartbreak of every transfer call that tore me away from those I had come to love and the cities that had become my home.
Yes, I remember the food. (I'm eating a Milka bar right now, and I couldn't be happier)
I remember the people, my friends.

I remember what was said to me in my last week.
"You did it. You did it well. Maybe better than anyone has done it." -my last companion.
"You were truly special, you were a truly consecrated missionary. You were incredible."-last Ward Mission Leader
"I've been wondering... it there life after 'Een?' It'll be hard to see you go." -President Dayton
"Well done, thou good and faithful servant.' That is what the Savior is saying to you; that is what I'm saying to you."-President Dayton

But now a year has gone by. As focused as I was on "dying well" when I left the mission field, I've had to focus even more on "living well" now that I'm back home. My journal-writing is only a fraction of what it was in the field (I went through two in a year when I was in the field. Now I've gone through... about 25 pages front/back, of a single journal). I think of my mission, and sometime I look at the clock and think, it's 10 pm in Spain, and you know that the obedient El Faro missionaries are running home. It's a wonderfully happy thought... even though, with all the time I've been home, I only know a handful of them that are still out there.

I've seen things happen both here and in Spain. I've seen friends fall away and forget the truths I so fiercely defend. But I've also seen (literally, we Skyped) a dear friend finally accept them and be baptized. I've been there for faith crises, both on the home-front and with friends from the field... and I've seen them overcome despite all odds or my own disbelief. I've felt the power of the Holy Ghost working through me to teach, perhaps not as often as I did during my full-time mission service, but as I stand and speak--whether to give a talk in church or a simple spiritual message at FHE or Ward Prayer--I feel it in me again. I feel the power of truth and the force of conviction that came through consecrated service. I teach again, I just switched citas for Visiting Teaching appointments. I have served again (they're a lot more willing to let the sisters do some heavy lifting here). I have loved my roommates and have tried to be there for them, just as I did for my companions.
I have not stopped serving the Lord.
I don't see the work of salvation up-close as much as I did then, but I may be participating in it now more than ever before. In my year home, I've averaged weekly temple attendance. I've worked through a big stack of family names, found by my aunt. Next, I'll just have to find my own.
On my mission, I felt to sing the song of redeeming love. And I still feel so now.

Today is the year-mark of my last day as a missionary (at least, I'm pretty sure. The whole flying/time-zone thing is a little confusing). And being the deeply nostalgic person that I am, I wanted to commemorate it. Not in a big public way, that's not what the mission was for me, but in a service-oriented and ponderous one. So I went to the temple in the dress that I wore for my last mission interview and finished the last saving ordinance for my last of 18(ish) temple names. There's still so much more to do, but I have my whole life to do it. And I will... because missionary work is worth a lifetime.

The day before flying home

At the temple this morning

The 18 lovely ladies I've been working with this year.

Leaving the field

Words for a friend who is leaving the mission.

"To die will be an awfully big adventure" -Peter Pan
There sure are a lot of references to death when someone talks about a mission. And it's an easy comparison to make, as I'll talk about a couple of examples before moving on to a happier, higher note, so hang in there.
Leaving the mission feels like dying. You don't know when or if you'll ever see these people again, and try as you might to ignore it you know that even if you do, it'll never be the same. And it won't. Unlike natural death, you know when it's going to happen, almost down to the hour. Don't let that make you paranoid. As a missionary, you know that you should never waste time but that doesn't mean that you should beat yourself up for every hour that didn't go as "perfectly" as you planned and hoped it would. Don't have unrealistic expectations for these days just because they're your last. When you look back on your mission, this week will be lost amidst the many other miracle-filled ones you've witnessed because of your continued faith and obedience. You've done well. Now comes the part of "enduring THROUGH the end." Have patience with yourself.
The death-bed speech: You can choose your attitude. You can either be an "old man filled with regret" for the things you wish you'd done better and for the opportunities lost now that your time is up, OR you can take the time to be grateful for the experiences and blessings that you've had. My last week in the field was one of the most peaceful weeks of my entire life because I knew I had served honorably and I let the Spirit remind me of it from time to time.
The charade: Try and go about as normally as possible, for your companion's sake, at least. Try as you might to avoid it, sending you home will make your companion a little trunky. Don't contribute to that more than necessary. Remember that mission life will continue without you- people will be taught and baptized, contacted, and dropped. That that is as it should be.
Remember the life you've lead: Take a nostalgic moment now and again. Remember that we are only called for 18 months. Accept that your time has come, and be at peace.
Freak-outs: If you haven't had one yet, you might have one soon. I remember as I faced the first day of the month in which I would go home, I was a wreck. I followed my companion around the streets without even the heart to contact and eventually sat down to sob at the approaching reality of my departure. If you have to cry, do it, it's ok. Normal, even. "The only way to take the sorrow out of death is to take the love out of life" and oh! How dearly have you loved these people! Your sorrow at leaving is a sign that you have developed charity- true Christ-like love. And that's a wonderful thing.
The upside:
As you pass through this veil, you get a glimpse, just a small one, of the incredible impact your time as a missionary has made. In the lives of some people, you have made ALL the difference. In mortal death, we have no lasting connection with those whom we leave. But thanks to the miracles of modern technology, YOU never have to loose the people you have come to love. I was a big Facebook user before the mission, posting pictures and "clever" statuses, but since I've returned I've used it to connect with dozens of beloved members and recent converts, even some investigators! I've had video calls and Manuela has called me every week since I left. These people are a part of your life now. No goodbye's only, "Hasta ver's."
Interview with President: It's really special. I won't give too much away but if a part in the middle of his monologue sounds familiar... that's because he borrowed it from my "Lo que el Senor me ha ensenado." See that? I'm haunting you from beyond the grave. ;) Also, it may comfort you to know that you don't actually have to turn in your emergency money. They just tell you that you do so that you aren't reckless throughout your mission. So if it's gone but you still have enough to live on for the next few days... you're fine!
There is proof of a GLORIOUS resurrection. You are going to die. You will fly home and see your family. It isn't going to be perfect, so don't expect it to be, but it is going to be so, SO good. And then.... you're back. A stronger, smarter, happier, more focused version of you. And you go on living a wonderful life, forever changed for the better by what the mission taught you. As a returned missionary, I have felt SO much JOY in sharing my experiences, taking the opportunity to bear my testimony, and hearing of the faithfulness of my recent converts.
I remember thinking that I was somehow doomed to misery when I came home. I thought I would be abandoned by the spirit simply because it would no longer be possible to completely live a missionary lifestyle. I realize now just how silly that was. I remember the answer to a fervent prayer, "How will I keep up on spiritual learning?" and hearing in my head, "duh, Institute." Missionary lessons? Visiting Teaching! Do the simple things.

My mom got me a book called "Taking off the tag" helping missionaries adjust to normal life. It's helped me a lot. The gist of it is, don't forget. Don't forget the self-mastery you've learned or where your real priorities lie. Don't forget to serve and seek out the spirit. Don't forget to be HAPPY.
I'm telling you that it's all going to be ok. That I'm so, SO very proud of you, how you've grown, and all you've accomplished. My pride pales in comparison to that of your Heavenly Father, whose work you've done so diligently.
Well done, thou good, and faithful servant.
Hope to see you soon!
If this is your last time reading/writing emails... Hurrah for Israel!
Hasta pronto, Hermana.
-Alayna Een

God bless AMERICA

This one's going to be quick, But here's a couple of things.
I spent 9 hours working at an outdoor pool and am now tanner than I ever thought possible. I'm working a lot but still try and find time to go to church activities. This last one was "humanitarian night" where my sister Eliza kicked my butt with her beautiful crocheting skills making a scarf for orphans in the Ukraine. I started making one too, but I'm pretty sure not even freezing orphans would want that ugly tangle of yarn. I need to brush up on my homemaking skills.

We were learning from Alma today in church. (I LOVE ALMA, in case you hadn't caught on to that yet) Something really cool was brought up about the famous verses at the beginning of Alma 29: 1 O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the trump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!
 2 Yea, I would declare unto every soul, as with the voice of thunder, repentance and the plan of redemption, that they should repent and come unto our God, that there might not be more sorrow upon all the face of the earth.
The teacher brought up that when his words were immortalized in the Book of Mormon and as we carry that book to every nation, kindred, tongue, and people in the hands of lovely capable missionaries, WE are fulfilling Alma's wish. He, as an angel (because... he's dead), is speaking from the dust and declaring the truths of the gospel to all who will listen. It's like the whole missionary force was adopted into the "Make a Wish" foundation and assigned to Alma's case. Good on you, genies!

My mom went up to girls camp with my little sister this week and having her gone for a week (not being able to ask her where something was, her opinion on this or that, etc) was pretty annoying. Then I had the thought, well, I was gone for a YEAR AND A HALF. So tell your family you love them today. They're making a big sacrifice, too. When she came back her leg was in a cast- leave it to my mom to break her fibula within HOURS of coming home. Lot's of one-legged and "break your leg" jokes are going around but I promise that we are otherwise being very considerate.

I was asked on my first date as a RM. He's short and a mutual friend suggested we go on a date because he thinks we'll "get along well." And since we're both RMs and are pretty much the only people who talk and volunteer for things in Gospel Principles, he has a point. Too bad I'm still in the "super awkward" phase. I'll let you know how it goes.

I'm ridiculously excited to celebrate the fourth of July here in AMERICA. Freedom and happiness are SO connected, and are the building blocks of our great nation. A sweet friend of mine said something in our testimony meeting today that I'd love to share with you.
" I wish I had the guts to fight for my country, But I don't. So I do it in God's way, by defending His church."
Onward, Christian soldiers!
With patriotism and gratitude for the country upon which the church was restored,
Hermana Alayna Een

Backyards

Once you find one excuse not to go to the singles ward, suddenly there's an excuse for almost every week. (it's Father's day, my Sister/cousin is performing in church, we're out of town for a homecoming/farewell, etc.) They probably think I'm inactive. Anyway, We went to the home ward sacrament meeting and then back to the YSA Sunday school/RS. As we got in there I realized the topic was Alma 5 and couldn't wipe the grin off my face. My sister says that I love Alma more than ANYONE other than possibly his wife and Amulek, and I think there could be some truth in that. ALMA 5:26 "...If you have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask CAN YOU FEEL SO NOW?" I just want to ask everyone, shout it from the rooftops, put it on a billboard, paint it on a wall, EVERYTHING. It needs to be read, said, and repeated.

I watched a "chick-flick" in theaters for the first time in forever with my sister and a couple other girls. It was a guaranteed "tear-jerker" but I left the theater with dry eyes. So I'm still heartless, and I blame my knowledge of the Plan of Salvation for my complete disregard for the supposed sadness of death. I'm part of the fearless tearless
...until someone reads a "Chicken soup for the soul" or sings a song about worth and value of a soul or bears their testimony, then I'm a gonner. The mission makes you weird(er).
I also donated blood and compared missions to a high school friend who just got back.

I've been going to the temple every week (such a blessing!) Unfortunately, I've see the sort-of unfolding of a favorite Doctor Who quote "Make all of time and space your backyard, and what've you got? A backyard." Basically, because I was used to doing it, I slipped up and forgot how special it was, started zoning out a bit... until I caught myself falling asleep and snapped out of it. I had to do something, so I started looking at it a different way, reading in between the lines and gestures interpreting old, familiar things in a new and exciting way. And after the session we had a gospel geek session in the celestial room for 15 minutes. It was the most exciting and energizing and spiritual time I've had since the first time I went through. And I learned a lot: What is old and commonplace can be new again if we look through different eyes; God knows our hearts; there is always ALWAYS more to learn of what you know.

At some point we'll all have to face it: you all are in the final steps of this wonderful journey. These miraculous and life-changing experiences have been your metaphorical "backyard" for a long time now. Don't let that make you miss SEEING them.
I had a friend over who served a mission around the same time as I did. We talked of this and that, one thing leading to another and I brought up one of my "Hermana Een Theories" about "versions of Heaven." [Basically how we all say 'it wouldn't be heaven without so-and-so' and we build up our own groups of who we would like to hang around with for eternity. Unfortunately we're not perfect so there's always someone who -whether we admit it or not- we'd rather not have in our "version of heaven." The take-away point is that there is NO ONE who doesn't fit into GOD's "version of heaven."] Well, the conversation died down and she had to go home, but a few minutes later, my brother who I thought was completely absorbed in his computer game, turned to me and said "I like your theory." I smiled and asked, "Which one?" he thought for a moment and then said, "All of them."
I know that I gained a unique perspective of a LOT of things on the mission. It really IS 10 years of experience and knowledge crammed into 18-24 months! Don't forget to share it when you can. Don't loose it. They truly are treasures. You will come home a different/better person, don't forget that appropriately sharing what you did, what you learned, and what it meant to you can CHANGE the lives of others. You are a living testimony that the gospel is true and the work is so very WORTH it.

A vencer, amigas!
I'm praying for you all, so keep up the good work!
-Hermana Alayna Een

*Facebook posts you might want to know*
A vencer, amigas!
I'm praying for you all, so keep up the good work!
-Hermana Alayna Een

Risky Behavior

Risky: Full possibility of danger, failure, or loss
Behavior: the way in which one acts or conducts oneself.
21: the age of a "real adult" in which such risky behaviors are legalized. At 21 you can drink. And you  can also (if you have 3 years of driving experience) be the "adult supervision" for a person with a driving permit. And with my brother behind the wheel, I don't know which one is more dangerous. ;)

Well, this has been a... week. I turned 21 (which I don't expect any of you to remember because you don't have Facebook to remind you, but it's worth mentioning.) My dear friend and recent convert, Manuela from Bilbao, tried on 5 separate occasions to call and wish me happy birthday, but I was never home/ didn't have my cellphone. But no one does dedication like Manuela. So at 4:48am on June 18th, I got my first birthday wishes. Bless her.

I've been working a lot more: teaching lots of kids how to swim, running out of things to do and say and feeling super awkward spending most of the day in a swimsuit. In one of my classes I raced a 9 year-old girl... and it was a close tie. (She has swum 2hrs a day her whole life and I didn't even touch a pool for a year and a half, so my pride is injured but still intact.)
Because my records were first moved to my home ward and then to a Singles ward... I had two sets of visiting teachers. And just how things turned out... they both visited me on Thursday. (Doesn't happen to everyone!) Just a heads up, your future visiting teachers will be afraid to teach you, since RMs are supposed to know everything and be on a spiritual high. Help them out! I shared with them how as a 6-month missionary, I was sent to be the Sister Training Leader on an intercambio with someone who had a year on the mission. I felt much like they did, teaching me. Don't approach it as "I'm here to teach you something." but as, "I'll lift thee, and thee lift me, and we'll ascend together."

Study
On the funny side: I've decided to start the Book of Mormon over again, paying attention to the author- what they said and how they say it and what THAT says about THEM, what the intent is, what they thought was important and why... it sounds a bit silly but every day I find it exciting and new even though the words ("I, Nephi") are ones I've heard hundreds of times. ANYWAY, I was reading in 1Nephi 4 (Nephi kills Laban, gets the plates, finds an unlikely friend in Zoram.) Zoram is originally (understandably) a little freaked out about going with them to the Promised land but agrees within a couple verses and then off they go. But get this! In verse 36 they say, "Now we were desirous that he [Zoram] should tarry with us for this cause, that the Jews might not know concerning our flight into the wilderness, lest they should pursue and destroy us."
It really is a sticky situation. Zoram has to leave EVERYTHING he knows and go into the wilderness with strangers, or Nephi would have to kill him or something because he COULDN'T have gone back to the castle because then he would have been questioned and forced to tell the whereabouts of Nephi and his brothers. Playing dumb wouldn't have worked either. But ALSO...
CSI Jerusalem finds decapitated Laban in a hallway with his sword and clothes AND the brass plates missing and suddenly his servant Zoram is nowhere to be found? If Zoram had stayed in Jerusalem he would have either led the Jews to Lehi's family or been convicted for Laban's murder.
CSI Jerusalem. ;) So Zoram's addition to the group really WAS inspired and even though his decedents kind-of plague the Nephites for the rest of forever... it was part of God's plan.
Serious side:1 Nephi 10:17 has this beautiful definition, "Holy Ghost, which is the gift of God unto all those who diligently seek him..." The Holy Ghost isn't some VIP membership benefit. ALL those who DILIGENTLY seek him... can feel his presence. You don't have to be perfect, but you should be good, and constant, and constantly good. ;) You have to ask for and invite him, but not much more than that. 'Tis a simple "gift."

 I went to Deseret Book for the first time since I went to buy mission things. My heart ached with longing looking at the missionary section- seeing the same bag I carried EVERY DAY of my mission, new and ready for sale. Tears sprung up as I soaked in the small Spanish section of the store. I felt the spirit so strongly as I looked into the eyes of the many depictions of the Savior in the art department, each sending a message to my soul. It was a bitter-sweet experience, a reminder of an ending. Two years ago today, I opened my mission call to the Spain, Barcelona mission. I couldn't begin to enumerate or explain the many ways my life has changed since that day, because every minute since then has been influenced by that simple decision to serve. In the simplest words of a Hymn, "I Stand All Amazed." And I know you will, too. I would love to be in your shoes, but I can't wait for you all to have my vantage point: to see the spiritual and overall growth in yourself and sneak just a peak at all the GOOD you've done.

Happy American Father's Day! Take care, dear friends, and give your best in the Lord's service.
... And send me a line if you have the time (at least forward your group email.)
Les quiero!
-Hermana Alayna Een.

Father's Day (With the favorite girls...)
My new favorite picture of christ with the title "Well Done." Couldn't be more fitting.

A Wonderful Week and Willy

This week had a national friendship day thrown in somewhere (not international, but I love you all anyway. ;) ) and that was actually kind of the theme of my week. Work started, but they didn't give me ANY hours (to speak of) so I "disfrutared" and had a "hanging out with friends" marathon. I enjoyed catching up with my "seven year friends" the ones that have been there for so long (at least 7 years) that even when you go long times without seeing or speaking to each other, you start right where you left off. It's magical. (And since the mission is like 10 years of experience crowded into 18 months, we've got a head-start on that 7-year thing. ;) )
Someone was moving on Friday and I got all giddy and ridiculously excited to help them. We (my sister and I) were the only non-priesthood holders there besides the Relief Society President. Turns out that even in the REAL world, Hermanas don't do "service" like that. Turns out I still have that stubborn determination to defy that mindset. And in doing that service -seeking that opportunity- I felt like I did as a missionary.

I went to the Temple with a a friend.... and got us hopelessly lost. Turns out you can go to the same place every week and STILL not know how to get there.

I went out with the Sister Missionaries for the first time since I've been home (they don't ask me often and when they do it's last-minute and I'm at work). Their cita fallad (we all know how that feels) but we had a really good talk on the ride there and back (far away+driving mission). I mentally reminded myself that I was NOT their Sister Training Leader... and then continued to act like I was (asking questions, listening, giving advice, testifying with experiences...) old habits die hard.

But the clear, obvious, and winning highlight of the week was this morning. When Willy, a man that I worked with in Barcelona (after almost a full YEAR investigating) was finally ready to be baptized. And thanks to iPads, willing missionaries, and the miracle of modern technology, I was able to BE there! (Facetime) It was a sweet and tender moment, as the current sister missionaries sat in the front row of the baptismal room with the Hermanas who first contacted and taught him (Hermana Wiseman and I) on the iPads in their laps, and together we watched a dear friend take the first covenant on the path back to his Heavenly Father. This was a moment that "defied all description." In this work of harvesting, sometimes we plant good seeds. I was lucky enough to see this one in it's long growth. Every little effort counts.

I was looking at that picture of the Savior knocking at the door during Sunday School today. It's something we've all seen a million times, but this time I saw it and thought of all the times we spent in similar situations. We're out there knocking doors... and we're in good company. I also went to a fireside tonight and something the speaker said really impressed me and made me think of the importance of the work you are doing.
It was these simple questions: "If not YOU, who? If not NOW, when?" When we get shy or embarrassed and let someone pass by or if the fear of rejection stops you from pushing farther or extending a commitment, I want you to think of these two questions. Be determined, be brave, be bold. Know that you're backed by the BEST and the Spirit won't let you down.

I love you girls and hope you have a FANTASTIC week of miracles. If you aren't already forwarding me your emails, DO it, or drop me a line, I want to know how you're doing!
LOVE!
Alayna Een

some of the best people in Barcelona.

Another Week

I'll try to give an update without boring you too much. (That, and I've already re-started the habit of staying up too late. Don't do that! ;) )
-This week I re-started my old job as a lifeguard/Water Saftey Instructor. I was looking for something a LITTLE more grown up (little miss soon-to-be-legal-adult) but hey, it's easy and it pays well. It's weird to re-enter a familiar world only to realize how much YOU'VE changed... and that they haven't really.
-I taught my mom's YW kids a dry-land synchro routine for their girls camp skit (my mom owes me BIG time) and showed them the Noche de Talentos video when us missionaries did it in Barcelona for an example. Good times. It was impressive stuff!
-Went to the temple. I've tried to make a weekly trip. So far, so good! Now if we could stop cutting it so CLOSE and almost missing the sessions!
- Had a choir performance on Sunday after church for a group my mom roped us into. She basically wants to show off her talented kids (my sister and brother). Who can blame her? Anyway, it was also FAST SUNDAY and I was trying to be good so I didn't eat and... almost passed out on stage. Saved by a timely intermission. Lesson: Don't fast during performances, drink water, don't buckle your knees, and ditch the heels (even the little ones can be deadly!)
- Singles Ward stuff. You re-run into people from long ago. They're familiar so you can talk to them, but you also have NO idea what has been going on in each other's lives for the past 2ish years, so it's a bit awkward. One kid asked "Didn't someone have their mission call? When do you leave?" To which I answered "18 months ago." Turns out he mistook me for one of the other girls in the room who is leaving for Missouri in a month. I'd switch places with her in a heartbeat. (even though we all know Spain is better).
-I've gotten some friend requests from veteran missionaries. Signifying the start of a new transfer. Make it a good 6 weeks.
I remember in one of my last District meetings, we talked about how many of us knew people who said they wanted to "do the mission over again." Sure it's a great sentiment... but in what context do they wish it? Do they want to do it again because it was a wonderful experience- a time in which they were fully consecrated servants of the Lord and were able to feel the spirit and witness miracles? Or do they wish it because of regret- they realize too late that they slacked off, fell short, or missed the point?
Know that the decisions you make now determine your destiny, and decide to give it your all. The miracles you see in this transfer, this week, TODAY can be greater than any you've seen in your mission so far! If you prove to the Lord that you trust him. If you give your all, and if you let Him lead His work.
Today in Sacrament meeting a missionary stood and said "Our level of obedience reflects our level of conversion." Exact obedience is a result of deep and honest conversion. (And when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren. That's where our example comes in.)
Ok, I'm done preaching.
I love you all and pray for you often.
Have a great week!
-Alayna Een
 

bonus: family photos we finally got. (Does the shirt look familiar? It's the one I used to say goodbye on every transfer Sunday.)